Invest in emotional bank

The key to raising happy teenagers is to reinforce positive behaviours, reports SHARMILLA GANESAN. 

DR LARRY KEEFAUVER slouches on a chair onstage, his legs splayed out, facing the floor uninterestedly. Answering his own questions in a low, lazy voice, he acts out the part of a teenaged boy who once came to him for counselling. It is a hilarious performance that strikes a chord of familiarity, and the crowd obviously enjoys it. Dr Keefauver defies the stereotypical image of a counsellor. He is energetic and cracks jokes endlessly. By sharing anecdotes from his own life, he immediately engages the participants. The seminar is highly interactive, and he keeps the audience’s attention by constantly involving them in his presentation.

He kicks things off by asking everyone to tell their life story to the person next to them in one minute, before switching roles. Not only is it a great icebreaker, it also teaches a valuable lesson: listening. 

“The most important aspect of counselling is listening,” Dr Keefauver tells the seminar participants. “My guess is that teens have learnt poor listening skills from their parents, so now neither is listening,” he says. 

Dr Keefauver was in Kuala Lumpur recently for the Seminar on Counselling Teenagers organised by Life College. With more than 30 years of experience in marriage and family counselling, this American speaker and counselor is also the award-winning author of several books on counseling and parenting. 

His experience with Asian family issues is extensive, as he has been invited many times to speak in various countries in the region.

He was also the guest speaker for the International Family Conference 2001, which was organised by the Ministry Of Women and Family Development.

“I realised during the course of my research and counselling that many problems related to teen counselling are cross-cultural. People can identify with these issues no matter where they’re from. That is why I decided to share my experience with people everywhere,” says the jovial Dr Keefauver.

Dr Keefauver asserts that the root problem when dealing with troubled teenagers is the family. “I am from the West, and I sincerely apologise on my country’s behalf, for the movies, music and materialism that we have exported here. No doubt, much of it is wretched. But that is not the real problem,” he says. He says teenagers need to spend time with and be heard by their parents. Children learn their values from the people who raise them, he says. “In Southeast Asia, too many parents use a surrogate to raise their children, such as a maid or a babysitter. Then, they get upset when their children reflect values that do not mirror their own,” says Dr Keefauver. “When interviewing someone for a job in our company, we wouldn’t hire someone who doesn’t have the same ideals we do. Then why is it that when it comes to hiring someone to look after our children, we make do with anyone who is available? We need to be proactive, and deal with the problem before it occurs!” 

Emotional bank 

Rumah Charis administrator Janet Teo was among the participants of the seminar. She feels that she has learnt a lot about counselling and dealing with teenagers from Dr Keefauver that she can apply at the children's home.

“It's very important to know how to communicate and build a relationship with teens. It seems easy to talk about it, but to apply it is quite a challenge,” says Teo. “I learnt a lot about spending quality time with children, and giving them the opportunity to express their feelings. It is easy to relate to Dr Keefauver's points because I've been through many of the issues myself,” she says.

Dr Keefauver says teenagers need emotional strength to face the pressures and problems of life. He refers to what he calls an “emotional bank”.

“Every teen has a well-developed emotional bank. Every time we offer positive words or gestures, we make a 'deposit', while a negative action constitutes a 'withdrawal'. The thing to keep in mind, however, is that a positive remark is like making an RM1 deposit, while a negative one is a US$1 withdrawal!”

He says negative feelings or people drain teens emotionally, leaving them with little resistance to deal with their problems. “That's why teenagers need adults to make continuous deposits into their emotional banks,” says Dr Keefauver.

The teenagers who were at the seminar were impressed with Dr Keefauver's understanding of their feelings and problems.

SM (P) Assunta student Nicol Raj, 16, says the seminar was an eye-opener to both parents and teens.

“Parents are always blaming the media and Western influences, but one can't keep passing the blame. What Dr Keefauver said about communication within relationships is very true. Teens in Malaysia really need to be given the opportunity to open up more,” she says. 

Malaysian problems 

Dr Keefauver's familiarity with Asian families and values is evident; he handles questions from the audience with sensitivity, and uses many local examples to illustrate his points. 

He says one of the main issues facing Malaysian teens is materialism.

“In most families, both parents work. Many parents are workaholics because the race to acquire material possessions is so competitive. This often results in the lack of a relationship with their children, who ultimately face feelings of abandonment and rejection,” he says. 

Dr Keefauver also cites the traditional role of the father in Malaysian families as a potential problem. “Fathers often have the misconception that they have to be aloof and authoritative to fulfil their roles. But this may lead to a rift between the children and the father.” 

Teens in Southeast Asia feel further rejected when they don't perform according to cultural and parental expectations.

He says these problems usually result in the child “looking for love in all the wrong places”, which leaves them easy targets for peer pressure and negative influences.

Juliana Low, a parent who attended the seminar, says it helped her understand her teenage son better. “I've learnt about the issues that concern him, and how to open up channels of communication. By listening to Dr Keefauver, I feel that I can interpret my son's 'silences'!” 

Ultimately, Dr Keefauver believes that the key to counselling or helping a teenager is building a positive relationship. “It is about giving undivided attention to the teen by letting them say what they want to say without corrections, judgement or criticism.”

Dr. Larry & Judi Keefauver
Founders of PowerHouse Families & YMCS